Planet Zombie: When being DEAD is not enough.

 

The stupid government is always offering worthless classes--food handling, CPR, driving--but in their attempts to curb supposed dangers like "salmonella," "choking," or "vehicular manslaughter," they've ignored the far more likely, far more dangerous threat of ZOMBIE INFESTATION. Thankfully, the folks at Planet Zombie understand zombie-killing in all forms, and are here to save your butt. Print this guide, post it in a conspicuous location in your home, and you'll be (somewhat) prepared when you wake up one morning to find your neighborhood overrun with brain-hungry swarms of the rotting undead. Best of luck!

DECAPITATION.

To kill zombies, you need to destroy their brains. The most surefire route is simply lopping off the cranium with a chainsaw, machete, or samurai sword. Mind the follow-through, however-- anything less than 100 percent severance just isn't good enough.

BLUDGEONING.

Any blunt object--from a baseball bat to a brick--wielded with suitable force at the cranium will destroy the brain. But be quick on your feet and keep your eye on the target, slugger--when you're this close to a zombie, miss even once and you might as well just hand your brains to the zombie on a silver platter.

BURNING.

Don't have the convenience of a sniper rifle to take out zombies from afar? The next best thing is a Molotov cocktail--just make sure the zombies are far enough away so they'll be reduced to ashes before they can shamble after you.

EXPLODING.

A solid technique, but one that requires heavy weaponry. In the chaos that will doubtlessly strike an urban center after a zombie infestation, make your way to a military storehouse or a morally dubious pawn shop and acquire a rocket launcher. Then shoot, load, and repeat.