The Appetite That Won't Die
Welcome to Planet Zombie!
Zombies. The undead. Those crazy brain-eaters. Whatever you decide to call them, they're a part of life. Whether you're at the movies, shopping for groceries, or muddling about looking for brains, zombies are everywhere. And if you're not too careful, you just might be walking down to the local Piggly Wiggly when suddenly BAM! your skull is being cracked open by some member of the walking dead looking for nothing other than a sample of your juicy brain-meats. Every day you turn on the news and there's another story about some poor schlub downed by a group of flesh-hungry walking-corpses and you think to yourself "That won't happen to me, I voted Republican." But minimal government intervention and lower taxes won't protect you when massive hoards of the undead come a knockin' on your back door. What will save you, though, is the ability to spot a zombie before it gets close enough to smell your spicy brain-meats.
A First-Hand Account
Peaceful Zombies can be identified by
Their cheerful demeanor, their sharp dressing, their casual and confident stride, their faint smell of lilac, their gainful employment, and the fact that they normally yell "Stooooooock ooooptiooooons!" instead of "brains!"
Dangerous Zombies, however, are
Surly, poor conversationalists, rarely concerned with their appearance, covered in sores, scavenging for brains, eating brains, unemployed, bad listeners, have a poor sense of direction, have terrible posture, and completely unconcerned with the well being of others
Now hopefully you have determined whether the zombie approaching you is either a productive member of society or a brains-thirsty member of the undead masses. If a peaceful zombie is approaching you, you're in the clear, although you might want to keep an eye on your belongings (peaceful zombies are known opportunists). However, if a dangerous zombie is approaching you, you have two options. You can either:
a) Avoid the zombie in question
b) Hope the zombie doesn't smell your spicy brain meats
c) Make a preemptive strike and fight
Current zombie-related legislation looks down on the senseless murdering of the undead population, but you'd be hard pressed to find a jury that would convict you. So if you feel you are at any risk of having your skull pried open and it's juicy contents devoured like so many cocktail weenies at a new years party, you have the ability and the right as a non-zombified human to protect yourself.
Researchers are still unclear as to the weakest point of a zombie. Some will say that decapitation, or at the very least extensive head trauma, will stop a zombie in its tracks. But you have other options. Cutting it into tiny pieces with some sort of chainsaw works, as do explosives and in some cases, very harsh criticism. No matter what tactic you take, be sure to keep your distance. Zombies will lunge forward whenever they think they have an open shot. The further away you are, the less likely you are to have your arm torn from your body.
If you keep all that you have read in mind, you should be more than able to live a peaceful and zombie-free existence. Good luck, fellow normals, and god speed.